"Oh, But You WILL Do"

Today was a strange day, really annoying but also inspirational!  But first, some updates: I have my red ukulele!  I mentioned that I won it, right?  Well I am now in possession of it.  Obviously I suck at it, but I was going to work really hard and incorporate it into the act!  Last Saturday night I saw a show, the Tinderbox Orchestra.  All I'm going to comment on is their outfits: all red and black.  There was even a red tambourine sitting on a keyboard, which looked so great.  This reminded me of the superiority of that color scheme, and I made the decision to go back to it.  Of course I already have a red accordion, shakers, ukulele, and lipstick, but I would have to make Flaca a red sweater and hat, get myself a red blouse to go over the dress and a red sweater, always wear red earrings, maybe red tights or shoes.  Awesome, right?  Get a red tambourine to use instead of my blue one.  I went to work with this upcoming transformation on my mind.  I apologize in advance that this post is mostly text, with only a few bullet points.  So get comfy!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Got off to a cranky start.  No pitches on the RM, for stupid reasons.  There was this red-haired teenage boy outside of the cathedral, but I don't like that pitch so it didn't bother me.  On the side of the cathedral there was a new girl playing guitar and singing, but you could barely hear her voice.  I heard her sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" but a totally stylized, growly, mellismatic pop version that rubbed me the wrong way.  Down from her was Elaine, the most pierced woman alive, and across from her at the arches was a violin player.  More about her.  A piper was outside the Tron Kirk therefore taking up all the pitches in that area.  I decided to use scare tactics to make one of those three move.  This piper was like 14, so I thought it would be easy.  "Hi!  How long are you planning to stay here?"  "All day!"  "Well, you can only stay 90 minutes in one place."  "Only in the festival."  "Well it's NOT the festival." (Oops, just proved his incorrect point.)  "I know..."  "No!  I mean, on normal days you can only stay 90 minutes."  "I've never heard that, and I've been doing this for three years."  "Well it's in the guidelines.  Have you read the guidelines?"  "No."  "Well there you have it.  How long have you been here?"  "30 minutes."  "Okay, 60 minutes left.  I'll come back then and reclaim my spot!"  See, I scared the pants off him.  I really didn't want to bother setting up farther up, by the castle.  It was the first sunny day in a while, and I just wanted one of my goddamn pitches.

These new people annoy me so much.  Here they are with this brilliant idea to try busking.  Great, but they don't consider the effect on the rest of us!  Glad you're having a laugh and you can go home and tell your parents, who provide everything for you, all about it.  Meanwhile, I don't make money and I'm screwed when it comes time to pay rent.  I don't mind being denied a pitch by a seasoned professional busker, but it makes me mad when its at the hands of an amateur.  Harrumph.  I talked briefly to Elaine the pierced lady, whose advice was to ignore the rules and set up too close anyway.  Well that's not going to go over well when I subsequently complain about someone doing that!  She's a great character; I have no idea what she looks like because of all the piercings!  Definitely going to be in the movie about my life.  When I went on my way she bade me farewell with a "Ciao, baby!"  Yesss.

The violin player said she'd quit at 1:00 or 1:30.  It was like 12:15.  I wanted that spot, so I decided to go sit and wait right by her.  This violin player can't be more than 15 years old.  She's very plain, wearing normal clothes, not doing anything flashy, just standing in front of her open box.  Never smiled, changed expression, anything.  Just stood there and played the violin mediocrely.  If you're a virtuosic kid then by all means go out and impress people!  Do it in my pitch!  But she wasn't even good at the instrument.  And she played like three songs.  (Sounds a lot like my first day.  Bet I did just this in someone's pitch.)  And she had the nerve, when I initially asked her how long she'd be there, to suggest places for me.  I hoped that my presence would make her pack up earlier.  I thought back to my days as a beginning busker when other buskers were after my spot.  I was definitely bratty and annoying, but if they actually waited right there I would eventually give in to the pressure and quit.  I was hoping I would have the same effect on this young lady.  And so I waited.  I was hoping one of the other pros would come over and loudly ask when I would be playing or something so she'd know that when she fucks with me, she fucks with all the buskers of Edinburgh (excuse my language, Lowell!).  The worst part was that she was getting tipped up the wazoo.  One person took out his wallet and gave her a fiver.  Why??  Not good, not entertaining, not advertising a good cause, no effort with pretty signs or even use of a hairbrush or anything.  It really baffled me.  Some people had been telling me that I should be doing just the accordion, so I thought that must be it: people like plain instruments.  No bells and whistles (literally, in my case).  Maybe people like the "oh I just rolled out of bed and decided to go busk" look, and in fact I've wasted my time, energy, and money by doing such things as obtaining a painted box, making signs, sewing a dress, etc.  Later, Tom and I talked about it, and his insight was that she was getting tipped well just because of her diminutive age.  I expressed my concern about the effort I put into appearance being in vain, but he said that it's my look, my presentation (I forget the perfect word that he used).  Hers is just being 15.  That's the whole act.  Made me feel better.

I kept a neutral yet slightly impatient demeanor as I waited.  Made sure to visibly stretch so she would know that I was warming up for something very important.  I actually should remember to stretch more often.  I didn't quite glare at her, but I think it was implied.  But then....an [Asian] lady stopped, took a picture of her, and kept walking.  Okay, here's my chance to start the mechanism of setting this atrocity right, one tourist at a time.  "Excuse me!"  I yelled after her, (then mimed along), "If you take a photo you should tip!  It's polite."  As easy as that!  The lady nodded and took out her wallet.  And the violinist smiled at me!  Wow!  I am putty at the slightest smile, so I had no choice but to abandon my "cold, big-league busker" attitude and go for a "mother bear" one instead.  Of course I was there to protect this newbie from the atrocities of tourists!  I mean, after this she was forever indebted to me, and should probably give up her spot, right?  No.  Kept playing and playing.  Took breaks to sit and drink water.  Okay, if someone's waiting you don't get breaks.

Finally, finally, she stopped.  But she didn't even say anything to tag me in, I just had to go over and start setting up while she collected her measly (I wish) tips.  I was hoping she would stick around to hear a song, the polite thing to do, and see what a real busker looks like.   She didn't.

It was pretty slow.  People were walking by, smiling, but not tipping.  I was trying to figure out what the problem was.  I was playing really badly, which I can't explain, but that never stopped me from making money.  Because of suggestions from Silver and the Chocolate Tree guy, and also because of my own observations that I make less money when I play more instruments, I planned to do one set with everything, count my takings, then do another set with only accordion and compare.  But then I didn't, because I personally feel like my act is more interesting with percussion and kazoo.  More on this.  Anyway, here are a few numbered items before we get into the next block of text.  Trying to finish this post by 10:15 so I can get to Costcutter in time to get half-price Ben and Jerry's!  Here are the few interesting things that happened on this gorgeous, sunny, hot day!  I put on sunscreen!!

1.  There is an old Scottish man who sits in a wheelchair in full, beautiful Scottish garb.  Red tartan, hat, the works.  He has a jar collecting money for a charity.  Today, he wheeled by and paused long enough to say, "Remember, the rain's on its way."  Ominous!  It has been rainy, but today was gorgeous and the forecast was in my favor.  Had to laugh.

2.  There were some adorable pre-teen girls.  Usually they are the worst, off shopping with their braces and lack of chaperones, usually reacting to buskers only to dance mockingly to the amusement of their counterparts.  But this group was wonderful!  There was the main girl who did most of the talking.  She is among the coolest people ever.  Know why?  She had a cast on her left arm!  You have to be in the elite club of "coolest people ever" to break your left arm!  She was tiny, super skinny wearing jean shorts and black high-top Converse sneakers, with her reddish hair in a high ponytail.  She escorted her friends over and struck up a conversation, asking me how long I had been busking.  She asked wonderful follow-up questions, like if I make enough money, how business was today, etc.  Her little brother (?) did the verbal equivalent of tugging on her sleeve, to which she told him, "I'm having a wee chat with the lady!"  I mentioned that it was slightly tricky because Todd had a great crowd that was super loud, which took away from my attention, and one of the other girls spoke up to bash Todd.  Todd's good news, I can never resent him, but I loved how quickly this other girl sided with me.  "Yeah, he looks like one of those types who makes a big deal about his magic show and then just stands there while his kids take money from people's pockets."  Ha.  So of course I had to stick up for Todd.   The first girl asked about Flaca, and patiently waited while I untangled her.  I gave a demo, explaining my plan to get her up and dancing, hands-free.  The girl complimented me on being good at inventions.  I corrected her: "Well I'm good at thinking of them, not necessarily doing them."  "Oh but you will do.  You will do."  (Emphasis on "will.")  Big smile.  Did you see that puddle on the sidewalk?  Yep, it was the remains of my heart.  I wanted to tell her to hold on a sec while I wrote a note to her parents congratulating them on their child-rearing techniques, but they were off to do wholesome things, be pleasant, and make someone else's day.

3.  My Big Discovery of 2012 has been carrots as snackfood.  So easy to pack, not messy!  So today I was munching a carrot while playing, but of course when it came time for a kazoo song I still had bits of carrot in my mouth.  Fun to imagine a kazoo filled with carrot mash.  I hope I was spraying it out the other end. :)

4.  A baby in a stroller went by holding a shaker just like mine.  I wasn't using percussion on that song, but I activated my left foot to show him my shaker, and the mom was super pumped.

5.  A guy on a bike biked by fairly quickly and dropped a coin in.  Cool!  However, the awesomeness of the trick was diminished by the fact that he practically ran over Flaca.

6.  A vendor came over to talk while I was still waiting, actually.  Both of us were obviously foreigners, and he identified himself as having parents from Taiwan, but he grew up in Poland.  He's an artist and sells his work and sketches portraits on the street.  Later, I walked by and he had a white pigeon in his hand.  Cool!  

7. This was later, but I looked up to see a huge crowd!  Wow!  But then I realized that it was a tour, and they were hearing about the war memorial next to me.  But the guide wasn't saying anything.  Weird.  I realized that the guide was actually signing!  None of the other buskers watching me nor I had seen such a tour before.  I'd be curious what they think of my act, presuming these people are deaf and not just advanced signing students.  One did comment on me to another (clearly indicating me while signing).  Could be my best comment ever, but I'll never know!  It was a strange situation, seeing the big crowd I had to focus on playing well, but then once I learned they couldn't hear me I was able to let my guard down.

8.  Someone tipped me a £1 bill!  Sounds normal, right?  Remember that over here £1 is usually in coin form, and you rarely see a bill smaller than £5.  I didn't know these existed!

9.  A woman asked me how to get to the Grassmarket.  I gave her directions, and she said something about how silly it was asking an American.  Hey, what's silly about that?

10.  Later, some other Americans (Montana) asked if I knew where to get deep fried mars bars.  Ha.  No, I don't.  Summoned Calum for that one.

11.  Todd came by and asked if I can play "Mission: Impossible."  I told him I can't, and he suggested I learn it and then run by his pitch while he's trying to escape from the straightjacket.  Cool!  It'll also be good for my own repertoire, so I'll get on it.

The next part of this post is all about the education I received today from pro buskers.  Earlier I had been talking to Tom, and he said that the percussion is too loud.  The two "jingles" really travel far due to their high frequency, and apparently Tom could hear them at the circle pitch last time.  The accordion doesn't go that far, so it's just percussion which is better than it used to be, he said, but still not good enough on its own.  He suggested I do mainly the shakers, then punctuate it with tambourine, but only one!  I tried it briefly in my first set, switching feet but leaving off one tambourine and the bells, but I wasn't used to it so I switched back.  Agreed to go down to one tambourine. 

After I packed up, I saw Todd being photographed by a professional, in his straightjacket.  He invited me to lunch when he was done, which was nice.  Todd referred to the Royal McGregor as "the office;" apparently its the hang-out for buskers.  I was not aware of that!  Cool!  So we went there and Tom joined us and they debated which of them was stinkier.  My piano dress seldom gets washed so I was in good company.  This was really nice to just hang out with them, I felt like one of the crew!  It reminded me that I have to spend all day out there, like they do, between sets.  I won't be busking all the time, but hanging out with buskers between sets will be good for me.  And fun, of course.  Tom demonstrated his disappearing coin and card stuff.  Really amazing.  He's a pro.  I straight-out asked them what I can do to improve my act, hoping for a final answer on the disappointing ratio of my tips to violinist's tips, and Todd laid out three key components: appearance, talent, and nationality.

1.  Be as attractive as possible.  Make eye contact, flirt, look good.  That one's easy! 

2. Play well.  Now, this is interesting.  I've always said that it doesn't matter how good you are, that people tip because they like the accordion and I am holding an accordion.  But Todd begs to differ and I'm inclined to believe him now; simple maths shows that I make better money as a decent accordion player than I do as a mediocre accordion/kazoo/percussion player.  Be talented, and do as little as possible.  Less is more.  "What about the puppet?"  "LEESSSSSSSSS is more!"   

3. Don't try to pass as Scottish.  Play songs from my home country.  The locals will be glad to get a break from the same stuff they always hear, and the tourists (Americans, at least) will be excited to hear songs they know.

With this encouragement from Tom and Todd I decided to abandon my "one-and-a-half woman band."  It's certainly fun and makes heads turn, but at the end of the day if it's reducing my tips then it has to go.  It has significantly reduced my accordion ability, and I get tired much earlier!  And so, I will, for the first time, go backwards.  Arrange songs just for accordion.  Stop thinking about how many instruments I can add.  Be pretty, play well. Also, I asked Todd what hair product he uses, since whatever it is works.  Now that I've cut all my hair off I need a good product to make it messy and awesome, and the one I got sucks.  So not only did Todd tell me what he uses, but he pulled it out and went to work on me.  Best my hair has ever looked. 

I was excited to go out, with Todd's encouragement, and do one more set.  The arches were still open, so I set up where I had before.  Right away, the rain came.  Real rain, not the normal spitting or drizzling, but rain.  I realized that I could just take a step back and be under one of the arches rather than in front of it and stay dry.  So I did that.


I brought everything up to the arch, and had to figure out a tip box.  Started with the big box way out on the sidewalk but I decided I didn't want to get it wet, since the accordion would go back in, so I pulled it up and put it next to me.  Todd gave me a hard time for putting it too close, and began to recite the exact explanation that Silver had given me.  "Save your breath!"  I told him, "Silver got me on this one!  You know Silver?"  "Who do you think taught me to busk?"  Nice.  And so I put out Flaca's box, which I don't mind getting wet.  But of course I did a crap paint job and the paint started running.  My hands are still nicely dyed.  And it's so tiny, you can barely see it and a lady kicked it.  Dieter solved this one: put the big box out, but closed, and put the little box on top.  Perfect!  It's elevated, the big box stays dry inside, and, best yet, you can see Ruby and Badger!  Dieter also suggested that in addition to my feed money I scatter some coins around the box to give the appearance that people are so excited to tip that they just toss coins in the general direction, and some don't go in.

This was a good solution.  I pulled out my signs and leaned them around me, so people could still read them.  Oh, the best part was that I was elevated!  Todd also suggested I elevate myself so people look up at me, and the arch is naturally elevated by like 9 inches or so.

This was great.  I felt so good.  I was above street level, in an arch with incredible acoustics, focusing on just accordion for the first time in three months.  I was playing well, passionately, and sounding good.  I still tapped my feet out of habit, and it just looked like dancing.  The best part of all: having the pros watch.  Everyone else had quit because of rain, so after our luncheon they were just hanging around and they watched me!  This was Todd, Tom, Dieter, and Calum, who isn't in the blog yet.  He's great, a big guy with a heavy Scottish accent.  He has done some street stuff, but recently discovered his passion: storytelling.  He's getting into that and in the meantime does tours.  Rounds out the group nicely!  Oh, and he knows Twin Peaks.  Anyway, it was super empowering having all these pros watching little ol' me play!  People were into it too, I was obviously the only busker out, and because I was hidden in the arch passersby would hear me before they saw me.  This was a cool effect, and I received a lot of smiles from under brollies (look it up).   I felt so liberated only doing accordion; I had missed it!  Oh, but Tom pleaded for no more Gaga after 3/4 of the medley.  Must learn Adele.

Unfortunately, the rain was a bit too much.  It was actually coming into the arch, so I would have had to move way back to keep my accordion dry.  I decided it wasn't worth it and packed up.  While doing so Dieter gave me more advice on my act, and on the fact that I need to work on my tempo (darn, I thought I was fooling people!).  This was good to learn, though, that during light rain I can hide in the arch and put in a few songs.  Easiest way to follow Todd's advice and get elevated!

From now on I will start getting up earlier, head into town with a book, beat the new buskers to the good spots, and spend all day establishing myself as a busker.  Actually really motivated now after this inspiration day with the pros!

The end.

P.S. Through a discussion with a friend yesterday I realized that I can make a killing on the 4th of July!  It's obviously nothing here, but there will be American tourists aplenty, so I can paint my face, decorate a silly hat, and loop "[Be Kind to Your Fine Feathered Friends]" all day!  Yeahhh!